these are not the droids you are looking for....

Dear you,






I hate you.









That is all.







Move along.

Nothing to see here.




-Alec Hardison (ME)

A recipe for disaster

A simple yet complex recipe to make a disaster that has been voted best dilemma for 4 years in a row!


Ingredients:
-Adults (that were teenagers just a few months ago)
-School for 12 years straight
-A handful of peer pressure
-rules and regulations (enforced)
-tests (ap tests)
-Expectations
-Stress
-18 year old angst
-Parents
-Wifi
-Friends
-Work
-Lack of sleep
-Paranoia
-Uncertainty
-Stressful situations
-Sprinkle the word "COLLEGE" here and there
-Childhoods that have been murdered
-Graduate
-Make them choose what they want to do with their lives (extremely soon)
-Extreme freedom that they have never had before
-nervous breakdowns/anxiety attacks
-Unstable friend situations
-Enemies (rivals)


Instructions:
Preheat conventional oven to 350° F.
Mix all ingredients together in a big wooden bowl (spactula is recommended for better mixing).
Pour mixture from bowl into a glass 9x13 inch glass pan.
Cover with tin foil.
Bake in oven for 45-65 minutes.
Remove tin foil from top of pan.
Then bake for another 10 minutes to melt the top of disaster to perfection.
Add sprinkles (multi-colored is preferred).
Congratulations you have now made a huge un-desirable disaster.

Good job.

A penny for your thoughts. I'm sorry but mine are worth $1.50.

Why so much for your thoughts you ask?
Because of these reasons:

• I'm broke
• I need money
• My thoughts are original
• I'm sick of giving my advice or sarcastic comments away for free
• I'm sick of talking

I'm sick of talking. 

I'm sick of people always asking me how I am. 

I've learned from experience it's better to just shut up and listen then to talk.

I seem to get into way more trouble and problems than I ever would've been in if I just shut up and stopped talking.

I love how I've just started to continually get quieter and people automatically assume that I'm just mute.

Which is fine with me. 

I'm sick of asking questions because all it ever gets me is problems.

I'm sick of answering questions because nobody cares and nobody needs to know.

You know all those get to know you questions like: would you rather this out that? 

I've decided I'd rather be mute than deaf.

All I ever do at work is talk and talk and talk and my throat is raw. It seems like lately everybody just seems to ignore that I exist. Which is fine by me. Because it's really easy to forget that there is an elephant in the room if it stops making noises.

I'm done with talking. All it ever does is give me more problems than I need.

-Alec Hardison (ME)

I'm not worth it

I just want to scream to the world and everyone that tries to get to know me "I'M NOT WORTH YOUR TIME, I'M NOT A GOOD PERSON AND ALL I EVER DO IS HURT PEOPLE!! "I'm not worth your time. Don't ask about me.... I'm not worth it. ... just tell me about you...
Let's not waste our breath talking about me.... let's talk about you... because I'm not worth it...
you really shouldn't want to get to know me.
I'm a nobody...
I prefer to be invisible (than be in the spotlight)
I'm not the main character in anybody's personal movies.
I'm just an extra in the background.
I don't play a big role, I don't even have any lines to say.
I'm just here to be another splotch of color in the background most likely in a green or blue shirt to try and make it interesting.
I'm not even a side character (supporting character is what my sister thinks the correct term is).
I'm trying too hard to be the comic relief, in your story.
Yep, I'm that cheesy character that is only really around for a couple seasons until they eventually get killed off.
And that is when you realize that they weren't even a big contribution to the whole show.
I'm not a good person. Don't get confused. I'm not a good person and you really Don't want to get to know me.
Don't waste your time trying to get to know me, because I'm not worth it.
It doesn't matter where I'm going to college or what my favorite dessert is, or anything like that because it really doesn't matter....I don't matter. Please stop asking me questions.
Stop trying to get to know me.
All I ever do is hurt people. It's better to just stay away from me.
I'm not worth wasting your time on.
"I'M NOT WORTH YOUR TIME, I'M NOT A GOOD PERSON AND ALL I EVER DO IS HURT PEOPLE!!"
Just move on....
I'm not worth your time or your breath ... let's talk about you...
.. because I'm not worth it....



-Alec Hardison (ME)

untitled/this doesn't make any sense

This is the piece that I wrote and performed for the open mic final...I'm pretty sure if you didn't hear it this won't make any sense...and it's slightly different than what I actually said because I get really excited and say random stuff when I am up in front of people...yep...

Okay let's start this with a joke because everybody likes jokes... at least I do...
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
That would be me....
Here's another one.
If everything is coming your way fast.
You're in the wrong lane.
This doesn't make any sense at all.
Rambling is my favorite language.
I hate public speaking.
I bite and pick at my lips and nails when I'm nervous.
And I'm not going to lie. You guys make me nervous. So freaking nervous.
I know this doesn't matter at all, but to me, it does.
I'm naturally an awkward person. ..
.... so. ..I hope this isn't really bad...
Randomness:
I've only seen frozen once and I knew that may may surprise a lot of you, but according to me, it wasn't all the rage that everybody has been freaking out about, it was okay.
Did you know that my hair takes 6 minutes to blow dry.
Probably because there it's nothing there...
My mom thinks I'm anemic.
No mom, I'm just white and pale!
You just don't understand.
I'm sick of saying fine when people ask me how I am.
I stayed up way too late writing this and it doesn't make any sense so just ignore my ramblings, because that's all this is. It's not poetry and it's definitely not poetic.
Chocolate is the answer who cares what the question is.
I'm terrified. I don't want to move on.
You know that saying "take life with a grain of salt" no!! I do what the freak I want I'd prefer to take life with a bowl of ice cream. Fact: you see better when you are scared. By the end of this rambling I'm probably going to be able to start seeing through things.
I'm not good at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
They took my coloring book away and replaced it with a scantron.
What I really want to know is what I would say or spill my secrets when getting my wisdom teeth out.
Too bad I don't have any.
Curses.
AHHHHH (loud scream)
I like screaming.
My sneeze is too loud for normal human interactions.
Here let me demonstrate. ..... wait. ... nope.... not going to happen.
I hate it when people stop talking in the middle of their........
...

thank you.



-Alec Hardison (ME)

if you really knew me...real talk...

Hi my name is Megan Erickson. (the senior)
I strongly dislike the Junior Megan Erickson that stole my name, I mean, it was my name first!!
I really don't enjoy how my friend calls me 'Meggie'.
I wish I had a different name.
I hate getting called down to the office to find out that it's for the other Megan Erickson.
I hate how in the yearbook under my name (Megan Erickson) is her name, and next to my name is numbers which are pages with pictures of her. (I mean really yearbook editors, does it really take that much effort to figure out who these  people are and actually get the right names?)
You'd know that I've had classes with most of you people, and yes I do remember your faces.
I'm extremely bad at swallowing pills, just the thought of those gives me anxiety (which is really bad when I'm sick like now....so..yeah..)
You'd know that I hate to watch or listen to my voice on film or movies. (it's really ironic considering I took TV video productions)
you'd know that I once went a whole month by the name of Magellan.
you'd know that if I could've figured out a way to kill myself that abides to all my conditions I would've been dead as soon as I got the chance (last October).
I am 5 foot 9 or 10 but I'm still invisible to everyone at this school.
The only thing I wanted to be was taller than my mom, now that I am, I don't know what I want to be anymore.
You'd know that I hate seeing pictures of myself.
My zodiac sign is Aires as if that is supposed to predict my personality in some way.
I have been alive 6,625 days and 225 full moons. (up to date posted).
You'd know how I hate myself for everything that I have done (because I haven't made a difference or helped anyone)
I'm the year of the rat and my element is fire.
you'd know that this class has changed me.
You'd know that I make baby T-Rex noises when I'm stretching (yep, I'm a strange goose alright..)
The song that was popular the day I was born is: because you loved me by Celine Dion.
You'd know that I hate everything that I make. It always looks really bad, I don't see what you people see at all.
I'm not creative at all. I just steal from everybody.
you'd know that I haven't told anyone about my deepest regret (not even my best friend).
You'd know that secrets are crushing me.
I'm really nervous and terrified about graduating and also really relieved.
I'm don't even have a clue about what I'm going to write or speak for the open mic final.
I hate my handwriting. (it's not creative or original it looks like a 2nd grader's)
You'd know that I'm too much of a coward to actually open up my mouth and speak the truth.
I went out into my backyard today and just yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs. (I'm so glad that our neighbors don't judge us...)
You'd know that I'm sick and tired of one of my really close friends.
My favorite food is Lasagna and Funeral Potatoes (but not together of course).
you'd know that my hair is straight almost white blonde and ridiculously thin.
And that I hate how the front and the back hairs just like to stand straight up.
I've never died my hair.
If you really knew me, you'd know too much.
You'd know who I really am, and not who I pretend to be.
You'd know that I used to play sports and I enjoyed almost every minute of it. (except for some people, but I'll spare you the details.)
You'd know that I've never broken a bone or sprained anything.
You'd know that I'm slightly OCD but only with certain things.
You'd know that I hate talking about myself and you'd know the reason too.
You'd know about how I lie about hating everything and everyone.
You'd know how fascinated I am with everyone and how original and amazing everyone is.
You'd know that I like the way bruises and cuts look on my skin.
You'd know that I'm not worth your time.
You'd know that I hate my job, but I love the people that I work with.
You'd know that everyone at work talks bad about some customers (mostly the rude ones)
You'd know where I'm going to college (and how ashamed and disappointed I am at myself)
You'd know that everybody can hear you when you come through the drive-thru and think you are so cool and laughing with your friends when really everybody just thinks you are obnoxious and most of the time people generally don't like you.

this is getting too long....time to end it...

I'm just going to call this enough formal introductions for now.

-Alec Hardison (ME)

Ugh...dancing...

I have one sentence to describe last night:
I'm way more prepared for a street fight than a school dance.

Yep, If you saw that awkward blonde girl on the outside not dancing at all. Yep, that was me.

Things I was thinking while I was supposed to be dancing:
-It would be really easy to kill someone here because of these reasons:
   1. There are so many red and green moving lasers that nobody would even notice is another one joined them (because there would be a sniper in the corner of the room underneath a table).
   2. They wouldn't notice the red dot on their forehead. (because really who notices is one out of 100 red dots is staying in the same place? nobody.)
   3. You wouldn't even be able to hear the gunshot (especially if the sniper used a silencer) because of how loud the music was.
   4. The victim would fall to the ground and everyone would just assume they were a klutz and fell down.
   5. And by the time everyone noticed that they were dead, the sniper would have been long gone.
-that is my messed up assassination plan.
-did any juniors send in pictures of themselves? and if so...did they get edited out?
-I don't belong here.
-I'm so glad I didn't send in a picture of myself.
-I really don't deserve to be here.
-Why did I waste $50 to come here?
-I'm not even having fun.
-How in the world do I remember so many of these people?
-I wish I could dance.
-I only dance in my room, behind closed doors and closed curtains.
-I wish I had driven my own car here.
-The problem with driving with friends is that you have to stay until everyone wants to go home.
-I feel really bad for the people have to work, and clean up after the idiot high school seniors.
-What is the point of dancing now anyway?
-I mean, congratulations you have survived going to school for 12 consecutive years, now it's time to celebrate? Really, it's not like you have to go back to school in a few months or anything like that...

I'm sorry for all you people who went last night and had a great time and disagree with me, but I don't really care.
I'm so done with caring,
high school,
And people.


-ME

the girl who wasn't remembered

I want to be noticed.

I want to be remembered.
The thing is I haven't done anything to remember.
all I've done is be the blonde girl in the corner with the sarcastic attitude.
Nobody remembers me and nobody cares.
I haven't done anything with my life.
I want to be one of those people that everybody looks up to. I wish I was more.
I wish I was better than I am.
I just want to be remembered.

Because nobody can remember my name and what I've done because I haven't done anything.
Life is a waste, my life is a waste.
And nobody's going to remember me for it.

The strange thing is....I can remember all of you guys...I know your names. I've had at least one class with almost all of you. I remember who you are because of your amazing accomplishments and personalities.
I remember who you are.
I know who you are.

But nobody remembers who I am.

But that's fine with me.
Because I really don't deserve it at all...and even if I was remembered it would probably be because of the wrong reasons.

People keep telling me how awesome they think I am and how funny and humorous I can be...or whatever else...
....But I don't see it.

All I see is me.

Someone who hasn't done anything with their life, doesn't know where they are going, and is never going to accomplish anything...
...and I don't want to hear any people saying...'no, you are great and you will accomplish great things'. and all that jazz.....bull crap...I'm never going to accomplish anything in my life.

Because I'm not important and I'm not memorable and I'm never going to be remembered....

-Alec Hardison (ME)

I've been thinking....

i remember spilling root-beer all over the carpet in 5th grade.
i remember my best friend telling the teacher on me.
I remember trying to be the fastest runner in elementary school. I remember how I was the second fastest runner after another guy in my class.

i remember when homework was at least slightly enjoyable.
i remember when I thought I had superpowers.
I remember in junior high getting bullied.
I remember I just let it happen because I didn't have any friends.
i remember never getting to eat my lunch.
I remember sneaking into the pantry to eat more food whenever I was hungry.
I remember skipping lunch to just sit in the library and read.

I remember thinking in 6th grade that we would all still be great friends when high school rolled around, not ignore each other.
i remember when school seemed like an eternity and homework a lifetime to do, while the sun was setting.
i remember thinking how working at IKEA and sorting everything would be the greatest job ever.
I remember when my friend group completely changed.
I remember sticking a cricket on my parents and waiting for them to notice.

I remember feeling completely alone.
i remember in 10th grade thinking how suicide was just a stupid and cowardly way to go.
I remember caring about my grades.
i remember laughing with my friend about collecting tears, I would have plenty now, if we actually wanted to try it. I don't know what the experiment would even be about but it would be unusual.
I remember thinking that I would be social in high school and everything would be different.
i remember in 10th grade when I expected the lunches to be at least better. They weren't.
I remember when I actually ate lunch. everyday.

I remember having 6 birds, not 4.
I remember playing sports.
I remember the first time I ever tried a pb&j sandwich.
I remember being violent. And ruining people's lives.
i remember cutting open my finger with a rotary cutter and screaming for my mom.
I remember when I was the shortest of my friends.
i remember thinking how I was going to be a millionaire when I grew up.
I remember life being easier than it is now.

i remember my first job.
i remember hitting the umpire with the bat and getting yelled at by my coach.
I remember my first day of work. I remember the manager and how scary she was. And how right then and there, I wanted to get a new job.

i remember you and the way that we became friends.
I remember too much....but never enough...

i remember. but i don't think that you do...

Highschool

If this is supposed to be the best time of my life....




I want a refund.

Easter Karma

Karma: what goes around comes around.
"...well it's not and it's going to come back and bite you in the butt, MISTER!"
"Well...looks like crap came back to bite you in the butt, MISTER"
-Olan Rogers
(the comeback kid)

Well, a true act of Karma happened yesterday. Okay here it is..
I threw easter eggs at my sister. (oh, calm down, not REAL eggs you idiot! Just plastic.) and then..

I came home at around 1:00 am from work and I'm trying to get to sleep, in my bed and guess what I find...
EASTER FREAKING EGGS!!! which I have to say is quite a surprise when trying to fall asleep in your bed when you find lumps under your sheets.
an example of Karma right there..

Okay...so this is one of my all time favorite videos ever..
I'm sorry it's just really amusing to me..
Watch if you want..
If you don't...whatever...

Comebacks and Karma....the way to go...

Coward

"bravery runs in my family" - A. R. Ammons

except for me I'm the coward of the family.

I haven't done anything with my life. (anything notable that is...)

I've never been on a date.

I've never been to a dance.

I've never been kissed.

I've never kissed anyone.
I've never done anything dangerous in my life.

I knew that I wouldn't get a date to prom so I made sure that I was working just so I wouldn't have to sit at home all alone.

Probably because I'm a coward.
Yep,
I'm
a
freaking
coward.


-Alec Hardison

Vacation

I'm sick of vacation.
I'm sick of being away from my home.
Yes, I'm homesick.
I miss my friends, I miss doing stuff with them for as long as possible, because really, we are all going away off to college in a few months and I just want to spend the time I have now with them.
I'm sick of my siblings telling me how to swim or what I look like.
LOOK HERE MISTER! I'M THE OLDER SIBLING RIGHT NOW SO JUST SHUT UP!
I'm sick of how the chlorine in the pool is turning my hair green.
I'm sick of the way of the water is because it's different than I'm used to.
I'm sick.
I feel sick, because of that mystery shack.
I'm sick of driving in the car, listening to static with some random sound or phrase here and there.
I'm sick of pretending to be enjoying myself.
I'm sick of the heat.
I'm sick of all the Spanish radio stations.
I'm sick of sleeping on the floor.
I miss my bed and how I can just immediately fall asleep in it.
I'm sick of this vacation.

How's your spring break coming along?


-Alec Hardison

Je ne sais pas

These are just some of the questions that I thought of today:

Who came up with Escalators?
Can your brain actually ever be full?
What would I do in the 8 minutes after the sun exploded?
Why do most idiots think they are cool?
Why are people so mean?
What if poisonous berries aren't really poisonous, it's just that the first guy to try them was allergic to them?

If swimming is such a good exercise then why are whales still fat?
Why are people so afraid of death, when it is always inevitably going to happen, you can't stop it?
Why do when get older we turn back into babies?
Why do we like sweet things?
What is the use of the appendix?
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Are you a fan of delicious flavor?
Why does the sun drain all your energy?
Why do you remember things better with songs or music?
Why do people who are the most comfortable with each other feel the need to make fun of them the most?

Why is people watching so fun?
I wonder how my friends and I look to other people not in our group?
How long would I actually survive in a zombie apocalypse?
Why do cars always break down at the wrong time?
Why does the library not ever have what you want?
What happened to Blockbuster, wait, I know the answer to that: Netflix!
Why are people so self-conscious?
I saw a mockingbird in the park, what color was the mockingbird?
Have you ever fainted from talking too fast?
I wonder why are people so curious?
Why is school life long periods of boredom punctuated by brief deadlines of panic?
Does everybody make T-rex noises while they are stretching or is that just me?

I don't know what I'm mumbling about.

-Alec Hardison

Becki

I didn't get the job I have now because I wanted friends. Honestly I got it because I needed the money. You are so strange. We both got the job around the same time. And through all the changes of managers and employees you are still here. And I want to know why. When I got the job all I did was work the front counter just like you. And like everybody else I asked my routine questions to try and get to know people in my own strange and quirky way. But you didn't seem to be like everybody else. You had something that nobody else had shown me, I guess you could call it caring, or kindness. I don't know. You started out by everybody else answering the questions normally until you really noticed that I wasn't answering the questions just deflecting them or shoving them aside and asking another. But you didn't become stubborn like everybody else and refuse to answer. I mean you did, but not for very long. I'm sorry if I beat the will out of you. I seem to do that to everybody. You started to get curious. You got closer than anyone I've ever known. I still don't know why I've let you that close, probably because I'm weak. You were so alluring and sweet you just made me want to give up the mask and the facade and just tell you, but then again, not really. You have a secret way of breaking down my barriers that I put up in the first place. You were so skillful at what you were doing I even relied on you, when I needed someone the most. That was never supposed to happen. And I guess it all did happen because of my weird curiosity of asking personal, deep questions. And really, I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I had to just fly off the handle and freak out and i feel like I am just constantly pouring out my soul to you. When I never even realized I was pouring from the pitcher at all. I hate and love working with you and your buddy all at the same time. I hate it because sometimes I feel left out, but then i love it when you include me in your conversation. I hate it when I say something stupid but then I love it when you laugh at my sarcasm or pessimistic-ness.

Bailey was talking about his life and how he is a magnet of bad things happening to him. "Bing, Bing, Bing,"..etc.

And of course I said a quick witty sarcastic remark to that "Does it actually make that sound?" or something relatively to that.
And you just started laughing and you said "I love your comments Alec!" or something like that.

That just made me feel so good. I don't know why, probably because you actually appreciated my sarcasm as being funny or at least amusing rather than straight up rude which is what it normally is.

I don't know, you just have a type of radiating happiness that makes you want to stay around you. Every time I look at the schedule I look to see if I work any shifts with you, even just like a couple hours with you. Because you are my beacon. You seem to have a way with people. You make me curious. You have always said that you just don't have any deepest regrets and I can never wrap my head around that idea. Because I've always had regrets. I carry them around constantly. My deepest regret is in a shoe box in my closet.

You amaze me. You make me want to try and be a better person even though I never will be. You just are awesome. I'm not trying to be poetic or anything like that, I'm just trying to tell the truth. Because everybody should be able to hear the truth. Even if they don't want to. I'm sorry I apologize all the time, for things that don't really matter. I'm sorry I'm really obnoxious and nosy, I'm sorry.
You make me feel so happy, and overjoyed.
You influence my life for the better.
...and I just want to say..
Thank you...
Thank you for being my friend, when I really needed one.

Thank you, I feel like I can never truly re-pay you.

Thanks for everything.

-Alec Hardison

Stranded (the story of the day)

My truck broke down today while I was trying to drive home with my sister. It was having troubles but I just assumed that it would be fine because it's a little gut-less wonder. We are on the overpass of the freeway in the left lane. And it just dies. I try to start it again, and again, and again. And nothing happens, which is never a good sign.
I started to panic.
It's not starting at all and I'm stranded in the middle of the road.
I started to bawl.
I probably sat there in the truck for about 5 minutes just bawling while people are driving around me and honking. I would've moved out of your way if I could've.
Then this lady came up to my passenger side and helped to push our little truck to the right side of the road. I was still crying. I could tell that my crying was making my sister uncomfortable.
I called my both my parents and they couldn't understand me through my sobbing. I had to pull to together to get it out that I was stranded with my sister on the side of the road.
Another man pulled over to the side and comforted me by waiting for my parents to show up before he left. I thanked him graciously because I wasn't sure if I could stand being stranded there all by myself.
After about an hour my parents shows up and we towed my little truck back home.
I've been home for a while I can't stop crying. I know it's just a truck and we could always get a new one....but I don't know...this is mine.
Going to the pond today was great and I thought that today was going to be a good day.
my life was going pretty good, and then this
I guess it's my time bomb again

-Alec Hardison

Welcome to the Club

Death seems to be at every corner tempting me.
Death tempts me
at the knife block in the kitchen while I'm making a sandwich.
Death tempts me while I'm at the pool or the ocean
at the grocery store.
at the trampoline
in the pantry
on the playground
at the doctor's
in the bathroom
in my room
in my car
next to the treadmill
on the bridge
in the fridge
in my bed.
Death seems to have nothing to do
Death sees how weak I am and knows that I can be tempted.
So he tempts me.
(and I don't know how to get rid of him)

You, yes you! I'm talking to you!

Dear you,
You make me so angry you say that it is all my fault when really I have done nothing wrong in the eyes of others...you make me so mad I want to just drive over to your house just so I can scream and yell and cry all around you. I'm crying right now, but do you see that NO you don't because you don't even care enough to come over and see. Instead you hide behind the new phone you got for Christmas not even caring about your friend. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you telling me how to act and what to do and where we should go out to lunch and where we should sit and what we should watch. You make me so mad and angry i just want to throw this laptop across the room and just yell and scream until my throat and lungs are raw and bleeding. I feel like you just voted me off the freaking island and then you blame everything that is happening on me. You make me so angry, you act like everything is fine even when you want something different. You say that you want us to stay friends and then you act like it's just my fault makes us secluded and separated from the other friend group. don't you forget that you helped with that too. I hate that you automatically assume that I'm the wishy-washy one when you can't even decide which place you want to go eat at until you start driving, same with movies. I"m sick of you always getting to drive. I'm sick of all your excuses like 'I get sick when other people drive'. I hate that you assume that I'll be working and I'm indecisive and you think that I can't be on my own and then you tell me different perspectives of everything. I don't think I can trust you anymore. Because you are two-faced. You just make me so mad. I'm sick of being stabbed in the back with talking and then actions. I'm just sick of everything. You make me so angry.
I'm just so sick of you.
I don't know if I can still stand to be around you
you make me sick.

-Alec Hardison

Confessions

Truths are always harder to tell than lies. But lies are easier to say.
I have depression (severe)
I have always secretly wanted to go to be the change (but I guess it's too late now)
My right leg shakes when I'm really nervous or scared
I can't scream (I've tried, nothing works, roller coasters, being scared, scary movies..etc. nothing works)
I see the world differently than everybody else.
I hate my name (Alec!!! Get down here!! You have stuff that needs to be done!)
My real name is _____. (Sometimes I wish I would actually tell the world who i am, the other half of me is wondering why I would ever want to do that)
I have always wished that someone would give me a nickname. (I was once on this soccer team and everybody had a nickname...except for me. I was always just me.)
I hate the sound of my voice (when I listen to my voice i wonder how i still have friends)
My parents think I'm suicidal.
I'm too good at keeping secrets (and i feel like it's slowly crushing me like a huge weight i'm holding above my head)
I have problems letting people into my life
My friend has saved me with her caring (she will never know how much she has partially saved me from the darkness)
I have been drowning in darkness
I hate expectations
I hate being wrong
I wish I knew how to pick locks, be a forger, and be a pickpocket or magician
I am afraid of guillotines (as stated before, it's still true, and irrational)
The idea of drowning freaks me out
when I am at school I feel like I am surrounded by idiots.
stupid people in large groups can do amazing things
I'm terrified that I'm going to have to reveal who I really am at the end of this class.
AP Calculus is so freaking hard
I wish I was one of those amazing blogs that everyone always talks about and gets lots of comments (because I don't know why, I need the comments, I need the validation that i'm writing something at least partially good)
I'm very needy (it's almost pathetic)
College stress just makes me want to curl up into a very small ball in the corner and cry myself to sleep
I wish I was different, but different people never fit in.
I'm kind of sick of signing my name at the end of each blog post.
I wish I could just be myself

I'm sorry for this crappy blog post.

AFRAID

I'm afraid

I'm afraid that people are reading this. That they're not.
I'm afraid that people are reading this, but not leaving a comment.
I want to know what you think, tell me straight up. please.
I'm afraid of how this whole blog is supposed to represent our soul, and mine is empty.

I'm afraid of guillotines,
yes I do admit that one is stupid and irrational.

I'm afraid of having my life go right again.
Because every time my life seems to be better or normal like it used to IT happens.
I don't think I am able to just let my life be good. Because for me, I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve having awesome parents
I don't deserve friends who laugh at my stupid jokes
I don't deserve anything
I don't deserve it
I'm like a time-ticking clock bomb
Because once it gets too close to perfection it explodes because
I never deserved those things in the first place
So I guess my bomb just puts me back in the place
where
I
belong.

I'm afraid of dying
I'm afraid of becoming a suicide case.

I'm afraid speaking in front of people.
I'm afraid of  being alone
I'm afraid of the people that say they are there for me aren't.

I'm afraid of what I would find if I could read people's thoughts.
I'm afraid of what people think of me.

I'm afraid of the future.
I'm afraid of the unknown.

I'm afraid.

and I don't know what to do about it.